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People often remark that succeeding in school takes plenty of work. The remark implies that failure is a product of general idleness and zero motivation. This is an opinion. My long and checkered past in numerous educational institution has taught me to fail grandly, extravagantly and go down in truly blazing splendor, requires effort and imagination. To fail your year in grand style, you must antagonize your teachers, disdain in your studies and cheat on your work. Keep following the guidelines in mind.

The first step, antagonizing you teachers, isn’t difficult if you keep in mind what is it that teachers like: intelligent, interested even enthusiastic faces in the front row center. Show that you’re bored before the class begins by slouching your chair with your head laying on the desk at the back of the room. Wear your CD/MP3 player and don’t forget to turn up the music when your teacher begins to talk. Carry on running conversations with your seatmates. And aim occasional snort or snicker at your teacher’s direction when (s)he’s putting on a complex point on the board. Above all, never volunteer to answer questions, in fact, respond with "i dunno" if the teacher has the nerves to pick or ask you. before long, you’ll have the teacher bouncing chalk off your head. Once you’ve earned the loathing of all your instructors, you’ll be well on your way to a truly memorable failure.

Second step, disdaining your studies, which is very easy to master, they’re probably B-O-R-I-N-G anyway. First, don’t buy your textbooks until mid-term and keep them in the locker in original condition; better yet, don’t buy them at all. Second, never make notes in class(es). Third, stop going to class(es) completely, but have lots of creative excuses for missed assignments: "My aunt died." "Went to aunt’s funeral." "I was sick for 2 months." "My rabbit nibbled on my homework." "My dog ate my homework." You can bet your teacher will be amused with these old standbys. By now, you’re on the way to disaster.

Third step, cheating, will deliver the coup de grace to your academic careers. Should an instructor be so sadistic to assign research paper, just copy and paste directly from the site. Your instructor will be astonished at the difference of the site and your work and realize it’s your usual hating scrawls; you’re guaranteed a zero. During your exam, sit at the back and crane your neck to read your classmate’s paper. Roll up your sleeves to reveal the tattoo-ed answers on your arms. Ask to be excused to go to the washroom 3 or 4 times during the test or exam so you can consult the notes you stashed in the hall and in the washroom. Behold! Dig out your wood-burning kit and emblazoned cheat notes on the desk. If you want to ensure not just a failure, but an actual expulsion, send in a ringer — a look-alike to write the exam for you!

Written by : Nell Waldman

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